People, Planes and Pains in the Patoot

As a result of my career change, I have had the "opportunity" to be on planes and spend more time in airports over the past several weeks. And I must say, aside from the usual hassles, these are great locations to study human behavior.  Some things make me shake my head in wonder and others just make me laugh!

Let's start in the airports.  Going through the security check lines is nothing short of an adventure!  From watching people lugging impossibly heavy bags as carry-ons to avoid the baggage fees, to the attire, to the language, it's just short of a circus. I watched a man decked out in full motorcyle regalia, complete with studded jacket, belt, wrist bands and dog collar stand in amazement that the metal detectors went off. (That was as close to a strip search as I ever want to be.)  Then there is the woman who is about 5 feet tall who doesn't want to take off her stilletto heels, but doesn't want to be "wanded" either, and is complaining because she is going to be late for her flight because security just won't let her through. And finally there is the passenger who seemingly doesn't get it that EVERY coin in his pocket is going to set off alarms and goes back and forth through the arch placing one coin at a time into the little dish!

Now once you're through security it should be smooth sailing right?  Not a chance! You now get to play dodge-em with the courtesy transportation beeping relentlessly, backpacks and carry ons that are wider than a person's body and slappng everyone they pass and listen to the constant announcements from every gate that let you know that the flights are overbooked and they are looking for volunteers to change their plans and take a voucher, blah, blah, blah.  In DC last week there were 4 agents in a very confined area all shouting into their PA systems at the same time.  It sounded like an auction house or the floor of the stock exchange!  It was insane and not one of them bothered to look up to see passengers covering their ears it was so loud and obnoxious! They honestly acted like overbooking is something that occurs once in every 10,000 flights.  HA! And how about the race to stand in line when your seating area is called?  I do believe we all have assigned seats, so what's the hurry?  We're all going to leave at the same time and arrive at the same time, why sit on a stuffy plane any longer than needed just to watch others walk on board?  Makes little sense to me!

OK - we're on the plane, or trying to get on the plane.  People are trying to jam duffle bags, purses the size of shopping bags and roller bags into spaces that clearly aren't large enough.  What a surprise, it doesn't fit, so they come back down the aisle - like salmon swimming upstream - acting outraged that the plane isn't big enough. Really? You mean you didn't hear the 14 announcements about how small the aircraft is?  Finally all seats are taken and now is when the gender differences kick in big time.  I have learned that men cannot resist plopping their elbows on the arm rest between the seats, crossing their legs in the proverbial figure 4 and leaning into the space beside them so they can fully open their Wallstreet Journal or USA Today and read edge to edge.  Does this make them more manly or satisfy some need to contol all the space around them?  Don't really know, but it's very consistent.  And women?  Oh my, why does every woman on the plane assume that the person next to them either requires mothering or is going to become their best friend in the next 60 minutes and converse and laugh at volumes I fondly call their "outside voices"?  Oh, the things I've heard from women 4 rows behind me!

Finally, there are the announcements by the crew.  Yes, I understand they need to be done, but seriously, is there anyone on this planet that doesn't know how to fasten a seatbelt in this day and age? Or are we so dim-witted that we can't figure out that we need to sit down before the plane can take off? And my favorite is the announcement about using your seat cushion as a flotation device sould there be a water landing necessary, on flights that don't cross 1 inch of water on their flight path.  Is it so tough to read through your announcements and make the ones that only fit your situation or are the attendants as bored as we are with these things and do it straight from memory and don't listen themselves? Just makes you go hmmmm.

Anyway, just as my Gandfather used to love people watching, I too find myself observing people en route to somewhere.  It's a study in humanity, habits and hilarity.  Next time you fly somewhere, just watch what goes on around you, it could be the most enjoyable part of your whole trip!