Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Turning a Page
Well according to the dates of my posts, it's been nearly two years since I've been out here! Unreal! It also appears that I seem to blog when my life is about to change in some dramatic way. Well, that's true again! I am about to embark upon a new journey in my professional life and I'm truly excited! I can't disclose the details just yet, announcements need to be made first, but in the next few days I can spill the beans.
At any rate, this latest development has caused me to think about my life and the turns it has taken. I'm quickly approaching the magic age of 60 and while that freaks me out just a bit, there's not a darn thing I can do about it! So I embrace it and as the character Jed Bartlett of West Wing used to say, I say "What's next?"
At a time when many of my friends are retiring, I feel as though I'm just getting started! I want to share my experience and make a difference in someone's life - not just sit back and look back at all that I have done and accomplished. Who says you have to slow down? It must be something in the family genes that is driving me. In a few of my previous posts I have talked about my sister Cathy. She has always been an example of all that is good and giving. She continues to be my hero in so many ways and she too apparently has 'this need to keep working' gene. Cathy is three years older than me and has been an elementary school teacher for 41 years. She "retired" at the end of the 2011-2012 school year. But when September rolled around after her retirement, she was right back in the school, not as a full time teacher, but as a tutor! When we asked her if she remembered she had retired, she simply replied, "I have chalk in my blood, I just want to be with the kids!"
I guess while she has chalk in her blood, I must have direct sales in mine. I spent 30 years on the corporate side of direct selling, left it and founded my own company Next Steps Motivation and Marketing and have loved it for the past 2 years. But here I am again, heading back into the corporate arena and so excited about it I can hardly stand it! Just the thought of partnering with a sales field again has me grinning from ear to ear. The corporate team I will be working with is extraordinary! The product line is amazing! The location is nothing short of stunning! And I will have the opportunity to put my experience to work as I coach and guide women who will find success and make a difference in someone's life. What's not to be excited about?
So, I will turn another page in my life and begin again with passion,energy and enthusiasm beyond measure. Something tells me I'll be back out here writing more and more often as this next chapter unfolds and I can't contain my excitement. I hope you'll join me for the ride!
Monday, December 19, 2011
The Value of Experience
Today I am pondering the true value of experience. My pondering is a result of my discovery that I can no longer teach college level courses that I taught for 5+ years because minimum requirements have changed from holding a Master's Degree, to holding a Master's Degree with a minimum of 18 hours in the exact discipline you wish to teach.
I hold a Bachelor's and Master's Degree in Communication. Communication as a major means that you take courses in all facets of communicating from Public Address to Written Communications, to Communication Disorders to Broadcast Journalism and so on. It is a degree that takes in a broad spectrum of topics all dealing with means of communication. And up until now, my degrees have served me well and made it possible for me to teach.
I recently decided that I want to teach again. For a period of 5 years, I was an adjunct instructor at several colleges while I held corporate positions in direct selling companies. Now throughout my career, I used just about every form of communication possible. I communicated via the written word, phone, webcam, video, live conversations and from stage with audiences as large as 4000. It was not unusual to write a script or presentation, marry it with slides (back in the day) or PowerPoint images and present it. I was called upon to present in boardrooms, offices, committee meetings, courtrooms and arenas. I was blessed with the ability to connect with my audiences and I was and am extremely comfortable in any public speaking role.
I was very excited to learn that a local college had a need for an adjunct instructor for Public Speaking classes. I had taught at this college previously, so I was very confident when I submitted my application. Well, imagine my surprise when they responded that I was not qualified, because I did not have 18 hours of Master level course week specifically in Public Speaking. What? I honestly can't imagine taking 6 classes all dealing with Public Speaking. I don't even know if that's possible!
Anyway, as I spoke with the HR person, I inquired if my 30 years of business experience had any value. After all, I would be teaching something that I had physically done successfully. I think speaking to audiences of 4000 qualifies as knowing what I'm doing. The answer was no. So, what this boils down to is that a college would prefer to have students taught by someone fresh out of grad school who sat in a classroom to gain 18 hours of credit in a discipline as a part of their degree requirements, than someone who has a Master's Degree and 30 years experience. Does that make sense? Now I know public speaking isn't brain surgery, but it still is an art not a science and it takes someone who engages in it frequently to truly understand how to teach it. And I don't mean telling someone to picture the audience in their underwear! Please!!
So, I am frustrated and very disappointed. What the new guidelines are saying is that after 30 years outside the classroom in the real world, I'm not capable to teach public address, business, marketing, business writing or business communication. Huh! Good thing my bosses never knew that when they asked me to write those proposals, or address the CEO, or make those training videos, or teach those classes or speak from main stage!
I hold a Bachelor's and Master's Degree in Communication. Communication as a major means that you take courses in all facets of communicating from Public Address to Written Communications, to Communication Disorders to Broadcast Journalism and so on. It is a degree that takes in a broad spectrum of topics all dealing with means of communication. And up until now, my degrees have served me well and made it possible for me to teach.
I recently decided that I want to teach again. For a period of 5 years, I was an adjunct instructor at several colleges while I held corporate positions in direct selling companies. Now throughout my career, I used just about every form of communication possible. I communicated via the written word, phone, webcam, video, live conversations and from stage with audiences as large as 4000. It was not unusual to write a script or presentation, marry it with slides (back in the day) or PowerPoint images and present it. I was called upon to present in boardrooms, offices, committee meetings, courtrooms and arenas. I was blessed with the ability to connect with my audiences and I was and am extremely comfortable in any public speaking role.
I was very excited to learn that a local college had a need for an adjunct instructor for Public Speaking classes. I had taught at this college previously, so I was very confident when I submitted my application. Well, imagine my surprise when they responded that I was not qualified, because I did not have 18 hours of Master level course week specifically in Public Speaking. What? I honestly can't imagine taking 6 classes all dealing with Public Speaking. I don't even know if that's possible!
Anyway, as I spoke with the HR person, I inquired if my 30 years of business experience had any value. After all, I would be teaching something that I had physically done successfully. I think speaking to audiences of 4000 qualifies as knowing what I'm doing. The answer was no. So, what this boils down to is that a college would prefer to have students taught by someone fresh out of grad school who sat in a classroom to gain 18 hours of credit in a discipline as a part of their degree requirements, than someone who has a Master's Degree and 30 years experience. Does that make sense? Now I know public speaking isn't brain surgery, but it still is an art not a science and it takes someone who engages in it frequently to truly understand how to teach it. And I don't mean telling someone to picture the audience in their underwear! Please!!
So, I am frustrated and very disappointed. What the new guidelines are saying is that after 30 years outside the classroom in the real world, I'm not capable to teach public address, business, marketing, business writing or business communication. Huh! Good thing my bosses never knew that when they asked me to write those proposals, or address the CEO, or make those training videos, or teach those classes or speak from main stage!
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Catching Up
Well, I've obviously been remiss in keeping up with my blog! So much has happened, where does the time go?
The last time I laid fingers to the keys to ponder, I was leaving my career in direct selling to start my own company Next Steps Motivation and Marketing. It has been an adventure like none I've ever experienced! First, when I decided to start the company and give up my salary, I based my decision partly on the knowledge that I would be receiving a government grant in October. I was so excited I could hardly see straight! I had a solid business plan ready and was looking forward to preparing marketing materials and DVDs and all the things a new business needs to get rolling.
Well, within weeks of leaving my job, I learned that the grant was actually a scam. A very good, very practiced scam. I had gone through the process of checking up on the company and individuals that had been working with me on the grant and all seemed in order. Every person checked out with a strong biography and the company had a history of securing grants. So I didn't doubt their sincerity. Of course, after paying to have the business plan professionally polished and fine tuned, everyone and everything associated with the company evaporated! Yep - phones disconnected, website came down, offices vacated. Everything to connect anyone with the company disappeared.
Of course, I reported everything to the Texas Better Business Bureau (the company was out of Houston), Attorney General and the Internet fraud division of the police in Houston. They sympathized with me, but nothing could be done. So sorry! You can imagine how that took the wind out of my sails, but only temporarily!
Once I got over the sting of being stung, I reassessed my goals and started thinking of new approaches to launching the business. I was very fortunate to gain several speaking engagements and signed some wonderful clients for Life and Business Coaching right away, but I knew I needed to do more. I began a daily posting on the website called Daily Dose and each day I write about something that strikes my fancy. But it still didn't seem like enough. So, I decided to write a book!
I've always dreamed of writing a book, but it was always just out there as a dream, nothing more. But, realizing that I needed a means of introducing myself and my style to prospective clients, a book seemed like the way to go. So, I sought the advice of a good friend who has published previously and began the thought process. I was soon having a blast remembering stories from my life that demonstrated business principles and putting them down on paper. It actually went pretty quickly and I would often find myself still sitting and typing away late into the night! Everything was simply pouring out of my brain and the framework for Bulldogs in the Rain became a reality!
As I worked on the stories, a friend helped me work on the cover design and my sister edited the book. Since the stories revolve around my sons, they read it for me and actually liked it! That was a very telling moment for me. I didn't realize I was holding my breath hoping they would like it, until they told me they did and I breathed a sigh of relief! Funny how the tables were turned and it was me seeking their approval instead of the other way around!
Well, the book is finished and is being printed even as I write this blog. I held the press proof in my hands today and I have to tell you it was an incredible feeling! Another one of my dreams was a reality! I confess that I actually cried when I held the book! A silly response, but one that I felt deep in my soul. I am very proud of the book and am anxious to get the full quantity to be able to offer on my company's website. I am very hopeful that those who purchase a book will find it inspirational as well as just pure fun!!
So, the company is up and running and it is slow going, but I'm giving it all I've got! My book is finished and I will begin sending it to companies and event planners and hopefully gaining the level of business I need to keep the company going. I'm optimistic and hopeful. I have a wonderful support system with my family and so many great friends. Without them I would have crumbled by now!
Today, I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving and celebrating my grandson's first birthday! His parents are throwing a big party and we're going to celebrate big time! He is adorable and wonderful and smart and all the things a Grandma could hope for! He brings me joy beyond measure and beyond all that I would have ever expected or dreamed possible. My 5 pugs are still plugging along and loving having me home everyday. Perhaps I'll share some of their antics in my next blog, which I promise will be sooner rather than later.
I appreciate each and every one of you and thank you for pondering with me for a while. Please enjoy your Thanksgiving and hug your family and friends. I wish you many blessings and lots of smiles!
The last time I laid fingers to the keys to ponder, I was leaving my career in direct selling to start my own company Next Steps Motivation and Marketing. It has been an adventure like none I've ever experienced! First, when I decided to start the company and give up my salary, I based my decision partly on the knowledge that I would be receiving a government grant in October. I was so excited I could hardly see straight! I had a solid business plan ready and was looking forward to preparing marketing materials and DVDs and all the things a new business needs to get rolling.
Well, within weeks of leaving my job, I learned that the grant was actually a scam. A very good, very practiced scam. I had gone through the process of checking up on the company and individuals that had been working with me on the grant and all seemed in order. Every person checked out with a strong biography and the company had a history of securing grants. So I didn't doubt their sincerity. Of course, after paying to have the business plan professionally polished and fine tuned, everyone and everything associated with the company evaporated! Yep - phones disconnected, website came down, offices vacated. Everything to connect anyone with the company disappeared.
Of course, I reported everything to the Texas Better Business Bureau (the company was out of Houston), Attorney General and the Internet fraud division of the police in Houston. They sympathized with me, but nothing could be done. So sorry! You can imagine how that took the wind out of my sails, but only temporarily!
Once I got over the sting of being stung, I reassessed my goals and started thinking of new approaches to launching the business. I was very fortunate to gain several speaking engagements and signed some wonderful clients for Life and Business Coaching right away, but I knew I needed to do more. I began a daily posting on the website called Daily Dose and each day I write about something that strikes my fancy. But it still didn't seem like enough. So, I decided to write a book!
I've always dreamed of writing a book, but it was always just out there as a dream, nothing more. But, realizing that I needed a means of introducing myself and my style to prospective clients, a book seemed like the way to go. So, I sought the advice of a good friend who has published previously and began the thought process. I was soon having a blast remembering stories from my life that demonstrated business principles and putting them down on paper. It actually went pretty quickly and I would often find myself still sitting and typing away late into the night! Everything was simply pouring out of my brain and the framework for Bulldogs in the Rain became a reality!
As I worked on the stories, a friend helped me work on the cover design and my sister edited the book. Since the stories revolve around my sons, they read it for me and actually liked it! That was a very telling moment for me. I didn't realize I was holding my breath hoping they would like it, until they told me they did and I breathed a sigh of relief! Funny how the tables were turned and it was me seeking their approval instead of the other way around!
Well, the book is finished and is being printed even as I write this blog. I held the press proof in my hands today and I have to tell you it was an incredible feeling! Another one of my dreams was a reality! I confess that I actually cried when I held the book! A silly response, but one that I felt deep in my soul. I am very proud of the book and am anxious to get the full quantity to be able to offer on my company's website. I am very hopeful that those who purchase a book will find it inspirational as well as just pure fun!!
So, the company is up and running and it is slow going, but I'm giving it all I've got! My book is finished and I will begin sending it to companies and event planners and hopefully gaining the level of business I need to keep the company going. I'm optimistic and hopeful. I have a wonderful support system with my family and so many great friends. Without them I would have crumbled by now!
Today, I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving and celebrating my grandson's first birthday! His parents are throwing a big party and we're going to celebrate big time! He is adorable and wonderful and smart and all the things a Grandma could hope for! He brings me joy beyond measure and beyond all that I would have ever expected or dreamed possible. My 5 pugs are still plugging along and loving having me home everyday. Perhaps I'll share some of their antics in my next blog, which I promise will be sooner rather than later.
I appreciate each and every one of you and thank you for pondering with me for a while. Please enjoy your Thanksgiving and hug your family and friends. I wish you many blessings and lots of smiles!
Friday, June 3, 2011
Next Steps
This past April I marked 30 years in direct sales. The day came and passed with no fanfare, or hoopla, just me looking back thinking that it wasn't possible that 30 years had gone by! I remember my first day with Tupperware like it was yesterday! How could it possibly be 30 years ago?
Now, through the years I have trained, coached and hopefully motivated thousands of women and men and honestly enjoyed just about every minute of it! But, as with all good things, this too shall come to an end. In fact, I ended it today! Close your mouths!!
Yep! After a great deal of soul searching I decided it's time for me to follow my heart and do something I have always wanted to do - start my own business! So, I'm doing it! As of today I AM A BUSINESS OWNER! Wow! That's kind of scary when I see it in writing!
The business is called Next Steps Motivation and Marketing and I will be offering my services in Motivational Speaking, Executive Speech Coaching, Life Coaching, Business Coaching, and Team Building. I will work with companies as well as individuals and will draw upon my own life experiences as the foundation for my work. No organization is too small or too large - my passion is working with people and I'm going to do it on my terms! It's so exciting I can hardly stand it!
I have to tell you where the name came from ... I was talking with my son Chris about starting a business and debated on what it should be called. We toyed with all kinds of things, but nothing was hitting home. Then Chris said, "You know mom, I can't help but think about when we lost Michael. The hardest thing for us to do was to take the next step without him. We couldn't do it alone, so we turned to each other and to those who love us. It seems like the next step is always the hardest one to take alone." And with that it clicked! Next Steps Motivation and Marketing was born! We worked on a logo, and when you finally see it you will notice 3 nautical stars included. I chose to include these because both Chris and Andy have a tattoo of 3 nautical stars representing three brothers, one with a halo around it in memory of Michael. So including the stars is my way of acknowledging my boys who have been with me for every next step in my life. And I'll bet you can't guess what color the logo and letterhead is! HA!
Now that my resignation has been accepted, my Next Steps are to get a final business plan together, get my website designed, get the word out and get started! It is all so incredibly exciting!! I know I have a ton of work to do and there are certainly no guarantees that the business will be successful. But regardless of what happens, I'm taking my Next Steps with pride and enthusiasm! And as my dear friend Amy put it, doing something that I love will allow my soul to sing!
Now, through the years I have trained, coached and hopefully motivated thousands of women and men and honestly enjoyed just about every minute of it! But, as with all good things, this too shall come to an end. In fact, I ended it today! Close your mouths!!
Yep! After a great deal of soul searching I decided it's time for me to follow my heart and do something I have always wanted to do - start my own business! So, I'm doing it! As of today I AM A BUSINESS OWNER! Wow! That's kind of scary when I see it in writing!
The business is called Next Steps Motivation and Marketing and I will be offering my services in Motivational Speaking, Executive Speech Coaching, Life Coaching, Business Coaching, and Team Building. I will work with companies as well as individuals and will draw upon my own life experiences as the foundation for my work. No organization is too small or too large - my passion is working with people and I'm going to do it on my terms! It's so exciting I can hardly stand it!
I have to tell you where the name came from ... I was talking with my son Chris about starting a business and debated on what it should be called. We toyed with all kinds of things, but nothing was hitting home. Then Chris said, "You know mom, I can't help but think about when we lost Michael. The hardest thing for us to do was to take the next step without him. We couldn't do it alone, so we turned to each other and to those who love us. It seems like the next step is always the hardest one to take alone." And with that it clicked! Next Steps Motivation and Marketing was born! We worked on a logo, and when you finally see it you will notice 3 nautical stars included. I chose to include these because both Chris and Andy have a tattoo of 3 nautical stars representing three brothers, one with a halo around it in memory of Michael. So including the stars is my way of acknowledging my boys who have been with me for every next step in my life. And I'll bet you can't guess what color the logo and letterhead is! HA!
Now that my resignation has been accepted, my Next Steps are to get a final business plan together, get my website designed, get the word out and get started! It is all so incredibly exciting!! I know I have a ton of work to do and there are certainly no guarantees that the business will be successful. But regardless of what happens, I'm taking my Next Steps with pride and enthusiasm! And as my dear friend Amy put it, doing something that I love will allow my soul to sing!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
An 'AH-HA' ... AHHHHH Moment
I do believe I've just had a defining moment in my life! And I must say it is very freeing! It's one of those moments when the pressure lifts and you feel a physical lightness ... you know, like when you finally roll the pantyhose down and off after a long day! It wasn't expected and I'm not exactly sure how or why it happened, but it did. Here's the story ...
The day started with a monster migraine. I didn't sleep last night at all! My mind was going a thousand miles an hour and it just wouldn't shut down. Work was plaguing me - numbers not coming in fast enough, can't find the answer, why isn't this idea working or that suggestion? I watched the clock pass 1 am, 2 am, at 3 am I went downstairs to my office and retrieved my laptop. With the laptop powered up sitting on my bed, I answered emails and watched 4 am roll by and 5 am. This is not good. So when I gave up and got up, needless to say I was tired! I had that heavy, sluggish feeling and I was facing a day filled with coaching calls with new recruits. I needed my wits about me!
I opened my emails and learned that my boss wanted a new corporate team member to sit in on all my calls, to get a sense of coaching in a direct selling environment. Fabulous! I don't know this new team member very well yet, but I do know that she is a highly driven, opinionated person - a control freak. Just what I need! Now coaching new recruits is not a new skill for me. With my 30th anniversary in direct selling just 3 weeks away, this isn't my first rodeo. However, coming off of a previous experience with this new person, I knew I was in for a critique of my approach and lots of suggestions on how I can improve the process. No, she isn't my boss, but she believes she is in charge, so ...
Five calls were scheduled for the day. She couldn't make the first one, but she did join #2 and #3 and sure enough following #3 I received the email - ways to improve my coaching, she wants to "refocus" my coaching calls. Really? My reaction is immediate, as you can imagine, because not only am I tired, but I really don't need to have a direct sales rookie telling me how to coach new consultants. So, I pound my desk, let loose with a few choice words and stomp up to the kitchen muttering to myself. Who does she think she is anyway? I have 30 years experience, I've paid my dues, I've proven myself capable, just what is this upstart trying to prove? (OK imagine a harp here going "BLLLIIINNNGGG" from low note to high.) And there's the ah-ha moment.
She is trying to gain experience, she is still paying her dues, still trying to prove herself. While my career is winding down, hers is just revving up. She still hasn't convinced herself or anyone else that she is a force to be reckoned with and the only way she can do that is to change what others are doing and correct what she perceives is wrong - and it probably is in her world! In that instant, in that flash (and playing of the harp), the pressure lifted. I asked myself what am I trying to prove here? I am long past the days of needing to be the center of attention (no, seriously), I don't have to be the go to person, the only one with answers and why do I want to be? It's darn hard work! I LOVE working with a sales field, coaching, listening, encouraging and interacting with them. I actually despise the corporate grind, meetings, charts, KPIs, blah,blah, blah. It's the field, the people who make me happy. It's the email from the single mom who is trying something new that said, "It was great talking with you today, I really think I can do this thanks to you!" that makes me pump my fist and shout loud enough to scare all 5 pugs at once. That's the reward I need, not being in another photo shoot, or doing the presentation in front of another group. Been there, done that, still love to do it, but don't HAVE to do it anymore to be personally satisfied.
As the pressure lifted, I decided it's OK. Let her stay awake nights and carry suitcases under her eyes and eat an entire bag of Cheetos because they relieve stress! I did the super-driven, gotta have a big title thing, I'm over it. I realized that I was looking at the things the way I have throughout my entire career, not as someone who has achieved goals. I was looking at the things I thought I still needed in my life instead of looking at the things I already have. I have a successful career - 30 years worth that I can look at with pride. I have a great job with a great company doing what I love most ... coaching and helping others realize their dreams. I live comfortably in a house that is far too big for me, but memories of my boys growing up here call to me from every room and keep me company. I have a safe vehicle (2 SUVs actually - one from the company) to get me through winter days and rain and a Corvette in the garage to play with if I choose to get it fixed. I have a herd of pugs to make me laugh with their antics and sheer joy at things like blades of grass, me being home and that empty Cheetos bag! Lots of things.
But most importantly, I have the respect of my boys - successful in their own right, who tell me they're proud of me. I have an amazing Grandson - our new Michael - who is fascinated by his left fist, his mommy's smile and his daddy's voice, who is just starting to discover who Grandma is. I have nothing to prove anymore, I can take the pressure off of myself and take a step back. Let the young guns go for it, they can have it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to sleep tonight ... I wonder if they will.
The day started with a monster migraine. I didn't sleep last night at all! My mind was going a thousand miles an hour and it just wouldn't shut down. Work was plaguing me - numbers not coming in fast enough, can't find the answer, why isn't this idea working or that suggestion? I watched the clock pass 1 am, 2 am, at 3 am I went downstairs to my office and retrieved my laptop. With the laptop powered up sitting on my bed, I answered emails and watched 4 am roll by and 5 am. This is not good. So when I gave up and got up, needless to say I was tired! I had that heavy, sluggish feeling and I was facing a day filled with coaching calls with new recruits. I needed my wits about me!
I opened my emails and learned that my boss wanted a new corporate team member to sit in on all my calls, to get a sense of coaching in a direct selling environment. Fabulous! I don't know this new team member very well yet, but I do know that she is a highly driven, opinionated person - a control freak. Just what I need! Now coaching new recruits is not a new skill for me. With my 30th anniversary in direct selling just 3 weeks away, this isn't my first rodeo. However, coming off of a previous experience with this new person, I knew I was in for a critique of my approach and lots of suggestions on how I can improve the process. No, she isn't my boss, but she believes she is in charge, so ...
Five calls were scheduled for the day. She couldn't make the first one, but she did join #2 and #3 and sure enough following #3 I received the email - ways to improve my coaching, she wants to "refocus" my coaching calls. Really? My reaction is immediate, as you can imagine, because not only am I tired, but I really don't need to have a direct sales rookie telling me how to coach new consultants. So, I pound my desk, let loose with a few choice words and stomp up to the kitchen muttering to myself. Who does she think she is anyway? I have 30 years experience, I've paid my dues, I've proven myself capable, just what is this upstart trying to prove? (OK imagine a harp here going "BLLLIIINNNGGG" from low note to high.) And there's the ah-ha moment.
She is trying to gain experience, she is still paying her dues, still trying to prove herself. While my career is winding down, hers is just revving up. She still hasn't convinced herself or anyone else that she is a force to be reckoned with and the only way she can do that is to change what others are doing and correct what she perceives is wrong - and it probably is in her world! In that instant, in that flash (and playing of the harp), the pressure lifted. I asked myself what am I trying to prove here? I am long past the days of needing to be the center of attention (no, seriously), I don't have to be the go to person, the only one with answers and why do I want to be? It's darn hard work! I LOVE working with a sales field, coaching, listening, encouraging and interacting with them. I actually despise the corporate grind, meetings, charts, KPIs, blah,blah, blah. It's the field, the people who make me happy. It's the email from the single mom who is trying something new that said, "It was great talking with you today, I really think I can do this thanks to you!" that makes me pump my fist and shout loud enough to scare all 5 pugs at once. That's the reward I need, not being in another photo shoot, or doing the presentation in front of another group. Been there, done that, still love to do it, but don't HAVE to do it anymore to be personally satisfied.
As the pressure lifted, I decided it's OK. Let her stay awake nights and carry suitcases under her eyes and eat an entire bag of Cheetos because they relieve stress! I did the super-driven, gotta have a big title thing, I'm over it. I realized that I was looking at the things the way I have throughout my entire career, not as someone who has achieved goals. I was looking at the things I thought I still needed in my life instead of looking at the things I already have. I have a successful career - 30 years worth that I can look at with pride. I have a great job with a great company doing what I love most ... coaching and helping others realize their dreams. I live comfortably in a house that is far too big for me, but memories of my boys growing up here call to me from every room and keep me company. I have a safe vehicle (2 SUVs actually - one from the company) to get me through winter days and rain and a Corvette in the garage to play with if I choose to get it fixed. I have a herd of pugs to make me laugh with their antics and sheer joy at things like blades of grass, me being home and that empty Cheetos bag! Lots of things.
But most importantly, I have the respect of my boys - successful in their own right, who tell me they're proud of me. I have an amazing Grandson - our new Michael - who is fascinated by his left fist, his mommy's smile and his daddy's voice, who is just starting to discover who Grandma is. I have nothing to prove anymore, I can take the pressure off of myself and take a step back. Let the young guns go for it, they can have it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to sleep tonight ... I wonder if they will.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
PROBLEMS WITH GETTING OLD
Aside from all the creaks and cracks and groans and aches and pains that come with getting older, it seems that everyday I discover a new problem with getting old. Now, I fancy myself to be a very positive person, so when these things start to irritate me I ask myself if they irritate me because they should, or if they irritate because I'm getting old. I feel like I've hit the, "If the music is too loud, you're too old!" age bracket! I'll give you some examples and you can decide for yourself!
- Now that I'm older, I realize that while I couldn't wait for my kids to be out of the house, I now want them home more often. Too bad they have lives of their own and don't really want to be at mom's house.Why do you suppose it just doesn't dawn on them to plan a visit to mom's if it's not a holiday? Hmmm, when they needed me, I was so busy and now that I'm not busy, they don't need me. Rats!
- Now that I'm older I still love the same foods I did in years past, but the portions are insane! I love turkey legs and have found them off the bird in my grocery, but in a package of 3. Really? Have you ever seen a turkey with 3 legs? And where's the fourth one? Put that one in a package all by itself for those who only need one. And loaves of bread - they're huge! I like bread when it's soft and fresh, but by the time I get halfway through a loaf, it's neither! Why not sell 1/2 sized loaves?
- Now that I'm older and finally have the resources to do the things around the house I love to do, like paint and add tile and plant shrubs and flowers, I no longer have the strength in my hands, arms and legs to do it! Sure I could hire someone to do it, but that's no fun! Where's the satisfaction in doing that? So I start things and get as far as I'm able and then have to wait a week or so to recover from the aches and pains, only to go at it again to try to finish and bring on the aches and pains again!
- Now that I'm older and think about having a companion in my life, there's no place to meet one! Bars - nope, not for me. Clubs - are you kidding? Online - been there, done that. And really, I just want someone to talk with, have dinner with, see a movie - I don't want someone to move in and it's way too late in the game for that marriage thing! Where are all those good looking, self-assured, financially sound upper 50-something men hiding?
- Now that I'm older why is it that experience doesn't count for anything? When I was younger that's who was respected - someone with experience. Now that I have experience all I hear is younger image, younger thinking, younger ideas, younger this and younger that. What happened here?
- Now that I'm older I seem to wonder a lot more. Things like: I wonder if smokers these days know they stink and no amount of cologne or tic-tacs can hide it. I wonder why people think it's hilarious to point out the flaws in their mate, marriage, children, friends etc in the form of a joke. Do they think because someone laughs, it doesn't hurt someone's feelings? I wonder why the only people who wear biker's shorts and spandex are absolutely the ones who shouldn't be wearing them. Do they not own a mirror? I wonder when foul language became the norm and not the exception. The "f-bomb" used to cause gasps, blushing, and apologies - today it's no big deal, 12 year olds let it fly. See!? I'm getting old!
- Now that I'm older and can afford to save for retirement, retirement ain't gonna ever happen because I don't have enough working years left to put away what I need to maintain my lifestyle. My mortgage has way more years left on it than I do - that's just not fair! My father had it right when he maintained that our pay schedules are backward - we should make the most money when we are young and have greater financial needs and should reduce as we get older and don't have children at home to support. He was brilliant!
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again
If you are a fan of The Phantom of the Opera, you know the title of this blog is a lyric from a very beautiful song. Tonight, that lyric speaks volumes to me. As the week winds down, my heart grows heavier with each passing day as I face the 4th anniversary of my son Michael's death. You can understand why I hate November 6.
It's not as though Michael is far from my thoughts or heart any other day or week, but during the week leading up to the 6th I find him even more present than usual. I find myself wondering what he would look like today at 24. Would he have achieved his goal of being taller than his eldest brother Chris? Would he be able to grow a full beard with no blank spaces unlike his brother Andrew? Would he be married? Would he be creating stunningly beautiful and frighteningly fast cars as he always dreamed? Lots of questions never to be answered.
I'm certainly not the first mom to lose a child, and sadly I won't be the last. And although I was told the hurt would get better with time, it doesn't. My heart aches to hear his laugh, which I cannot pull from my memory. I would give anything to see him with his brothers once again, laughing or playing cards or puffing on a cigar on the deck as they did so often. To feel his hug again would be paradise and worth all that I own. But my arms are empty and the silence that was once his voice is deafening to me. And even though it's been 4 years, that day and the week leading up to it still knocks me sideways. My grief doesn't mean I loved Michael more than Chris and Andy, or somehow lessens their importance to me, it simply means there is a hole in my heart that cannot be filled.
So this week, my family and dearest friends have remembered that it's a tough week for me and have offered support at every turn. I am so grateful for that love. I cannot express how much it means to me. My dear, dear friend Anita wrote this to me after we exchanged messages and I dumped my sadness and fears on her, "If you are too scared to look ahead, and too sad to look backward, then look to your side and you will find me there." How do you say thank you for or repay friendship and love like that? She has endured her own losses again and again and yet, she is there for me asking nothing and offering everything.
So the week will come to an end. The 6th will roll around as it does every year. My boys will be here and they will let me cling to them and I will cry and we will share stories of our Michael. And with Sunday a new year will start again. In December, we will welcome a new life to our family as Sarah and Andrew give us a new Michael. And as I welcome this precious new boy, this new Michael, my heart will release just a bit of the pain of the loss of my Michael. And that is good. I wish I could give it all away, but that's just not possible. He was my child, my baby, 1/3 of my heart and I will forever find myself wishing he was somehow here again. Written with love for my son, Michael Thomas Herbert, April 29, 1986 - November 6, 2006.
It's not as though Michael is far from my thoughts or heart any other day or week, but during the week leading up to the 6th I find him even more present than usual. I find myself wondering what he would look like today at 24. Would he have achieved his goal of being taller than his eldest brother Chris? Would he be able to grow a full beard with no blank spaces unlike his brother Andrew? Would he be married? Would he be creating stunningly beautiful and frighteningly fast cars as he always dreamed? Lots of questions never to be answered.
I'm certainly not the first mom to lose a child, and sadly I won't be the last. And although I was told the hurt would get better with time, it doesn't. My heart aches to hear his laugh, which I cannot pull from my memory. I would give anything to see him with his brothers once again, laughing or playing cards or puffing on a cigar on the deck as they did so often. To feel his hug again would be paradise and worth all that I own. But my arms are empty and the silence that was once his voice is deafening to me. And even though it's been 4 years, that day and the week leading up to it still knocks me sideways. My grief doesn't mean I loved Michael more than Chris and Andy, or somehow lessens their importance to me, it simply means there is a hole in my heart that cannot be filled.
So this week, my family and dearest friends have remembered that it's a tough week for me and have offered support at every turn. I am so grateful for that love. I cannot express how much it means to me. My dear, dear friend Anita wrote this to me after we exchanged messages and I dumped my sadness and fears on her, "If you are too scared to look ahead, and too sad to look backward, then look to your side and you will find me there." How do you say thank you for or repay friendship and love like that? She has endured her own losses again and again and yet, she is there for me asking nothing and offering everything.
So the week will come to an end. The 6th will roll around as it does every year. My boys will be here and they will let me cling to them and I will cry and we will share stories of our Michael. And with Sunday a new year will start again. In December, we will welcome a new life to our family as Sarah and Andrew give us a new Michael. And as I welcome this precious new boy, this new Michael, my heart will release just a bit of the pain of the loss of my Michael. And that is good. I wish I could give it all away, but that's just not possible. He was my child, my baby, 1/3 of my heart and I will forever find myself wishing he was somehow here again. Written with love for my son, Michael Thomas Herbert, April 29, 1986 - November 6, 2006.
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